10 Things You Shouldn't Do When Dating

I agree men have it too easy these days. My ex-husband is now with a white woman. She is a yes girl and it has made him not have to work for anything. That just makes me cringe that he didn't give our marriage any effort and runs off to the one that never says no. Not only was I hurt but my 5 yr old son is paying dearly for something that could have worked provided he put in some effort.

Posted at 4:20PM on March 26th 2009 by Elizabeth

Thank you so much readers for all of you for your support in general and with VH1's Tough Love, my novel Dare, BET, and The Planet Abiola Show online. And thank you Essence Magazine for a fantastic conversation. Hopefully like all of you I will continue to learn and grow from my missteps and human foibles. Failure is not falling down but staying down. Best wishes, Abiola

Posted at 4:08PM on March 26th 2009 by Abiola A.

One thing we have to remember is that we can't change the game in the 4th quarter or 9th inning. What I'm saying is we can't go in saying we want to be "friends", whether its friends with benefits or just friends. When we want a relationship - that's what we need to say and go for, because men don't do well when you develop feelings and want to change the game. They see you as whatever you said initially - if it's a "friend" or if it's "a" woman that wants to be "his" woman. Lastly, if you say it, mean it and govern yourself as such. Don't say you want a relationship and then settle for less. I've learned these lessons the hard way!

Posted at 3:24PM on March 26th 2009 by Nita V

Ladies we need to set high standards for ourselves and stick to them. Don't lower them or come down off of them for no man. Make him come up to them. We are worth it. Remember anything worth having somethimes you have to wait for it.

Posted at 12:39PM on March 26th 2009 by Pat

I agree, that we need to think more about our values. A lot of men want sex. God has given us our temple and we should keep it that way. No matter what a man says, he really wants a woman that stands for something. Be strong. Do not give your "Power" away. Sex is not the determining factor for a relationship.

Posted at 12:10PM on March 26th 2009 by Nitta

I think woman sometimes make themselves look desperate and boring when we talk about our ex-boyfriend. When dating someone for the first time, I think it is best to keep those things to ourselves until the relationship gets deep. It's a turn off to the new man.

Posted at 11:48AM on March 26th 2009 by Latoya Bell

I love your advice. I'm in a stable relationship now but I do find myself putting a time limit on certain things, and I also feel a little upset for not having the money to do my wedding ceremony the way I like. This helped me reassess and take stock.

Posted at 11:23AM on March 26th 2009 by Imara

I think that we as black women, and really women in general have to value our worth more, and stop putting so many of these dumb brothers on a pedestal. This is the main reason why so many black men think that they are God's gift to women because we treat them as such. We cater to the brothers, constantly givin' em sex when they want it, so they figure that they can treat us any kind of way and we will still give them what they want. We as black women, and also white, hispanic and other women as well have to start making men value us more and stop givin' it up everytime they want it. We make it way too easy for black men, hence their lack of desire of a commitment, and what good does it do us, many of our sisters are still manless, with oow children they are raising with no support, while our men treat constantly disrepect us and run around with trailer trash white women every chance they get.

Posted at 11:15AM on March 26th 2009 by Anita

Wagoner, I couldn't agree with you more. We need more Jesus when in comes to dating/relationships and marriage. Jesus is the foundation we need. God bless!

Posted at 11:08AM on March 26th 2009 by KJ

I agree, I also think that too many women do not consider their full worth, acting like the man is some type of prize that we must reward with the booty. Black men won't act like they are in such high demand, if we stop treating them as such. I think that women give over to black men too much, whether it be black, white, hispanic women, and so on. I think a lot of it is based upon sex, especially with white women because many of them have relationships with black men that ain't based upon true love, just lust, and the black men eat it up with a spoon. What I am ultimately saying is that we as black women, really women period, have to expect more from our men. If we made them work harder for our love and respect us more, they would have not choice but to clean up their act; I mean really, what else could they do, unless they all became gay or something. We have to make them set the standard, else we'll keep dealing with the same sh*t that we've been dealing with!

Posted at 11:01AM on March 26th 2009 by Anita